You were supposed to grow old. Reckless, unfrightened and old.

Apart from the obvious, I’ve noticed two main differences about living in the country verses living in town. The first is that your neighbours are not just the people who happened to live in the house beside you. They’re the ones who will clear the snow out of your half mile driveway, help you fix your roof, or lend you a truck or tractor or lawnmower. They’re people who are out at 1:00 am after an ice storm clearing broken branches off of roads and driveways. Or filling up jugs of water for you when the power goes out. Your neighbours are not just your neighbours. They become more like family.

The second big difference is that life in the country comes with a lot more difficulty and potential danger. There are animals with tempers, field vehicles, old and unstable out buildings with bad wiring, huge rotting trees threatening your house or barn or garage, and very powerful farming machinery just waiting for a loose sleeve to grab onto. As a kid growing up in the country I was taught to be aware of these situations. It became my biggest fear to come home and find that some terribly devastating accident had taken place... And it happened. It happened about three weeks ago when my mom and I came home to find our neighbour’s barn reduced to rubble and engulfed in flames, and later learned that that fire had claimed the life of our friend and neighbour, Ken.

In the last few weeks, I’ve spent a great deal of time trying to understand the situation. It took several days before any of it felt real. There were detectives at my house, there have been countless phone calls, and rumours, and people stopping by the house. We spent the first 24 hours making up scenarios in which Ken wasn’t home because we didn’t want to accept the devastating possibility that soon became our reality. Then several more days I spent just sorting out the remorse and frustration that has shadowed our little hamlet and Ken's family. I've gotten maybe 3 or 4 good nights of sleep since the fire. This is not just a sad accident that happened to somebody I kind of know. Death is confusing and difficult to comprehend. But when it happens in a small community out in the country, we all mourn. We all grieve.

So I shot this in memory of a friend and neighbour whose life was ended far too soon. I created the shell of a house where his memory can safely stay - in the gap of the fence between our property and his where the rails had to be taken down so that when Ken accidentally took a rather large piece of machinery swimming in his pond we could get an even larger piece of machinery over to his place to pull it back out. In the words of my Aunt Kate, every day an adventure, and every adventure worth the grand telling.

The Burial of the Past

This photo shoot was an incredibly emotional process. The concept of laying the past to rest came to mind because when I decided to end my engagement, my ex told me that he didn't want the ring back. So I told him that I would bury it. Well I didn't get around to it immediately so eventually I decided that I would bury the ring on the day we had originally planned for the wedding - which I had wanted to be this Halloween. Originally I had planned for this to be my Halloween self portrait for the year and that I would also shoot it ON Halloween. 

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was too personal of a story for me to feel comfortable telling it myself. So I enlisted the help of my dearest soul sister, Britt. But I still had a lot of anxious feelings leading up to this shoot which took place just a few days ago), and the morning on the shoot I decided I couldn't wait any longer to get rid of this engagement ring. So we did the shoot and at the end of it I buried the ring in the hole we dug and I resolutely parted ways with that piece of my past. 

I'm just so grateful I have a friend who was willing to take time out of her life and travel several hours just to help me tell my tale.

Summer elements

Loveland

They say photography is about capturing the perfect moment.. And while I often create those moments rather than wait for them, this shoot was full of genuine love and playful spirit without any creating on my part.

I shot this back in July.. And because I'm still horrible at keeping up with life, I'm just posting it now. 

I am just the worst at keeping up with life this year! These photos were from Halloween of 2014 and I so regret not posting them earlier. My life has been slightly chaotic, exciting, frustrating, and a million other things in the past 8 months. As some of you may know, my day job is working as an educational assistant for a local school board. Throughout this school year I've gotten two different long term positions that have gone back and forth from part time to full time. And in the midst of all that I my dear and lovely boyfriend somehow convinced me that I should give this teaching thing a go. Now, that means going back to school, finishing a degree, and then completely two years of teachers college. I found working full time and trying to shoot anything at all was definitely a challenge. Now I've added more schooling on top of that. 

There is a part of me struggling with the fact that I seem to have moved further away from my passion as a photographer, but I'm constantly reminding myself that what I like best about photography is to create on MY terms, and the reality is that just doesn't happen if you're trying to make a living from you photography. So I've had to accept the bitter sweet fact that while photography won't likely ever be my bread and butter, it will always be my sweet dessert. 

The good news is that if/when I do get to the teacher stage of my career, there's a chance I can use my education in photography to my advantage. Media Arts classes do exist in high schools. 

The other thing I've realized is that I don't want to ever cut my photography out of my life completely. While photographing to the tastes of others may not be my thing, I have had some success selling images of my own making to publishing companies for book covers. And that is a creative outlet as well as a source of income that doesn't require that I compromise what I want to shoot. Perhaps this will be an avenue I explore a little further this summer.

Here's to those of us with secrets. 

Haunted, bewitched, and enveloped by the peculiarities nobody sees.

And the Halloween photos begin.

This is how my summer felt.. 

Sometimes the things we hide are exactly the things that make us beautiful. 

So much has happened… So much is different.

My apologies for being the biggest slacker on the planet. This summer has been insanely busy, leaving me little time to play around with my photos. But I took these a few weeks ago with the lovely and talented Brittany Bruyea, so I figured it's about time I shared them. Enjoy!

A wonderful video made by the oh-so-amazing Mike Zakreszewski!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfo1vs-u5Us

Mother Moon

As a pagan, I pay pretty close attention to the lunar phases and I wanted to do a photo shoot to represent my love for the moon. 

The waxing moon is known to pagans as the maiden moon, the full moon as the mother, and the waning moon as the crone. Each representing different stages in life, and each useful in casting for different purposes. 

I think the beauty of the moon is that it is born, it lives, it dies, and is reborn over and over again. It represents life and death. It's rise and fall is a constant reminder to me that while there are things that I want to gain and collect in life, there are also things that I need to let go of and rid myself of. There is a time to be brave and strong, and a time to heal and be at rest. The moon is somewhat of a living, breathing force to me. It's is known as being a feminine energy, whereas the sun is known as masculine. And while I love the sun and it's bold persistence and strength, I will always feel a connection to the nurturing kindness of the maiden, the mother, and the crone.

And in these costumes pretending, we find ourselves.

Finally another shoot. And this one was worth the wait. A while back I took a photograph of Britt dressed as a circus performer smoking a cigarette in front of some elephants and since then I've been slowly putting together ideas for more odd circus photos. So here's the next one of the series. 

There's something about the circus that I just love... The strangeness and impossibility of things is captivating. It's a place where misfits are welcome and peculiar things are the norm. It sounds like home to me. I can't imagine my life without a bit of smoke and mirrors. What would I do? Get up each morning, robotically shower and get dressed, go to work for a company that only cares about reality. Come home, have some dinner, maybe watch some tv or go for a walk. And then sleep again. Instead I let myself sleep in when I can and wake up from strange dreams that lead to strange inspirations. I have several part time jobs that I love and that pay the bills, but I'm forever grateful for the flexibility that they offer so that I can spend my time with my imagination, and make moments of reality out of it.

In a sense, I guess my life is like a circus. I live and breath the make-believe. It's who I am. But sometimes I'm just a person looking silly in a costume.. Drinking tea and reading books.

Yesterday I was talking to someone about my photography and she asked if I get many people wanting creative photos from me. And the truth is that I don't. People see my creative work and love it, which I'm happy for. But then they ask me to shoot some family portraits or if I will do weddings. Don't get my wrong. I'm happy to be behind the camera for just about any reason. But sometimes I wonder why people fall in love with my work and then shy away from it. Maybe they don't know how to imagine like I do.

Hopefully coming soon is a video of this photo shoot, thanks to my dear friend Mike. Although I'm honestly a little nervous that his film will be better than my photos. He's that good.

Sometimes there are a million reasons for us to be miserable and feel badly about ourselves. And sometimes we choose to find ways to feel good anyway.

My Roots

Today I went into my old high school to talk to the media arts class about photography. I've done this quite a few times over the past couple years and I always love doing it. I'm discovering a new-found love for teaching photography. 

It always gets me thinking about where I started out. My first "studio" setup was in my bedroom. I had a track light fixture and a big canvas backdrop across one wall. And that was about it. Eventually my Mom and Dad (being the incredible people that they are) helped me figure out a concept for a better studio and slowly it was built. We took the body of a transport truck, insulated it, put in some windows and a door, I bought some cheap studio lights and backdrops, and I was in business.

It's really tiny and definitely challenging to work in but I've done some pretty great stuff in this studio that I call "The Circus"

These are some of my earliest shots taken in The Circus, which I still love. Maybe it's because they were some of my first shots in my new home or maybe they are actually kind of good. Either way, they have a special place in my heart. 

We never forget our roots. Where we come from plays a big part in how hard we might have to work to get where we want to go. I'm really proud to have the home that I do. Maybe my parents couldn't give me everything and maybe I can't afford the fancy equipment. But we did a damn good job of making the best of what we had. Sometimes I forget how much support I've had over the years, and how hard I've worked to gain the skill that I have now. But I always come back to it. I'm a maker of things impossible. I always have been. 

Can't take anything too seriously.

These photos are from my latest job. I don't do a lot of maternity photos but I was super excited for these ones. I went to high school with the mom-to-be and when she contacted me she said she wanted some traditional photos but also something with a bit of an edge. I love the look of maternity photos that showcase the couple's personality so when she said they both had some pretty awesome tattoos and a pet python.. well if you know me I'm sure you can guess what my reaction was. 

So I know this is primarily a photography blog but every once in a while I like to share random things that I'm doing on the side. So here's one for ya!

I've liked singing since the Spice Girls hit it big (Girl Power!) and when I was in high school I took a vocals class and I actually did pretty well. But that was 7 years ago so most of that talent has long since faded away.

Anyway, I saw a video on youtube of the band Lulu and the Lampshades performing this and I thought it was pretty cool so I taught myself how to do it. Enjoy.

P.S. If you're a musician, please be kind for I am not one.

It's amazing, the things we'll do for art. It seems that I'm constantly coming up with harsh environments to shoot in. And apparently I either have the most amazing friends and family in the world... or the dumbest. Cold water, rain, snow, heat, wind, let's climb these rocks, swim to that island, sit on this cliff, balance on this tree branch in a giant dress, ride this crazy horse, I'm going to swim in rough waters while wearing this mermaid tail.. And sure, there are complaints. From other models, assistants AND myself. It's obviously not always an easy and fun experience. But somehow that never matters. We always just conveniently forget how miserable we once were and do it all again later. Because to us, this is important. 

People say not to dwell on the past and I think that's valid. But I think that our memories are truly precious things. Especially in the form of a photograph. Capable of bringing us back to a certain time.. a feeling.. a thought. And in the case of my whimsy photographs it isn't so much that I live in my memories, but rather that I create new realities.

If I think back to the process of shooting these images in particular I remember passing some hikers that surely thought our attire was a little strange for walking the trails. I remember Britt trying to carry those antlers so carefully so that they wouldn't fall apart before we got a chance to shoot them. I remember feeling rushed because we were running low on daylight and of course I was making Britt sit in a tree with very little clothing on. I remember trying not to fall off that tree branch and trying to hide jackets, sweaters, scarves, and boots in the hollow of the tree trunk with one foot.

But when I look at the photographs all I see are stories. Incredible, magical, amazing stories. All of reality disappears and I'm left with "make believe." That's where my photos take me.